This Dog Won't Hunt

The World is going to end. This much we know. What most people don't know, however, are which pieces of information within their daily media onslaught are harmless vignettes of news and which are signs that the end is closer than expected. This dog could probably help you tell the difference, but he doesn't want to. Satire, political humor, fake news, spiffy cartoons, you won't find them here. This dog offers you nothing. And if you don't like nothing, than to hell with you.

Saturday, February 25, 2006

Rabbits To Guard Vegetable Garden

Swinehalla, Kentucky
February 25, 2006

After several tumultuous years of seeing his lettuce and cabbage crop disappear from his garden, elderly Swinehalla resident, Jack Vickerson, 75, is finally doing something about the problem. This week he recruited a crack team of rabbits to defend his yard from vegetable interlopers. "You can’t trust no one in this town," said Vickerson. "Especially not old commie, crank-pants over there," he said, referring to his next door neighbor, Stan Milentnakohov, 71.

"Jack Vickerson is a crazy bastard," retorted Milentnakohov in a recent interview. "He’s got several closed-circuit video cameras pointed directly at my house and at his other neighbor’s house down the street. No one is stealing that idiot’s lettuce. Look, I don’t know if those are the same rabbits that have been eating his vegetables for the last five years or not, but give me a break."

As cabbage casualties continue to climb, there is no hard evidence as of yet to suggest that Mr. Vickerson’s mercenary rabbit squad has helped to secure his homestead.

Sunday, February 19, 2006

Slow News Week

Last week was a slow news week. Either that or this dog’s been lazy. Look, I got nothing for you, so here’s a list of some crap for children that doesn’t exist, but should.

1. Pretty Polly Apocalypse. The latest in doll technology. A great gift idea for the prepubescent middle school girl on your holiday shopping list. Pull Pretty Polly’s pigtails and she shoots fire in the face of the boy you like that ignores you. Twinkle her toes and a hurricane devastates Florida.

2. Chocolate-covered chimp-on-a-stick with cherry-centered cranium. Mmm... gooey goodness. Helps to teach toddlers that animals are just so much like us.

3. Fisher Price Loaded Dice. Its never too early to start teaching your children how to cheat at gambling. How else are you going to support yourself after retirement? Social security? Ha! You are never going to see that money again.

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

Hannity Stymied By Himself, Prostitution Runs Rampant

Conservative radio talk show mouthpiece, Sean Hannity is having a lot of problems getting his dog to hunt. He has been rambling on for several days now about why a recent trip to Saudi Arabia by former Vice President Al Gore isn’t being reported as news. Hannity, who’s show is broadcast locally in my area on a station called Newstalk Radio, apparently fails to see the irony in any of this. He also seems to have forgotten one of his long standing missions, namely his goal to bring the people of America news and information not otherwise covered by the mainstream media. Mr. Hannity did, however, assume the role of love doctor yesterday on his special edition Valentine’s Day show, and the skit seemed to be a great success. Early reports claim that several Republican men got laid. There is still no word yet this morning, though, from any prominent news outlets as to whether or not purchasing flowers and candy in exchange for sexual favors is actually prostitution. Why isn’t anybody covering this story?

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Youth Who Shot Cat Dubbed Retard By Peers

Mandingo, Wisconsin
February 14, 2006

Local teenagers question the intelligence of seventeen year old Jeff Giuseppe after he accidentally shot and wounded his neighbor’s house cat Sunday afternoon while supposedly hunting squirrels in his backyard with a shotgun. "That kid is a God damn retard," said Kris Rangoon, a long time neighbor of the Giuseppe family. "Seriously, I think his IQ is in the 70s or something."

"Who the hell hunts squirrels in their backyard?" Asked Angie McQorie, a Mandingo high school student. "It's just sad that no one is going to punish him because he’s retarded. When I was nine, my older brother shot a bird with his pellet gun and my dad beat the crap out of him."

Giuseppe, who’s parents report that he is hanging out in the basement of the family home watching cartoons, was unavailable for comment.

Sunday, February 12, 2006

Osama Bin Laden Found

Okay, so maybe the title is a little misleading. They still haven’t found Osama yet. But my question is - has anyone tried looking in Milwaukee? Think about it, if you were an international terrorist with the United States of America breathing down your neck, where would you be hiding? Probably not in any of the places they’d be looking for you, right? You definitely wouldn’t be hiding out in like say... Afghanistan. My guess is you’d most likely want to be hanging out somewhere that they’d never expect you to be. And seriously, how many U.S. soldiers are pounding the streets of Wisconsin right now trying to track down terrorists? So when the Brewers host the Cubs this Summer in Miller Park, pay close attention to the guy in the stands that has had so much plastic surgery that he doesn’t look anything like Osama Bin Laden. He could be Osama Bin Laden.

Saturday, February 11, 2006

Olympic Games Could Kill Us All

The Olympic Winter Games began last night, Friday, February 10th, 2006 with a regal parade and an extreme amount of worthless hoopla. For every blast of kinky pyrotechnics and every formula one race car laying rubber on the Olympic stage, I couldn't help but wondering if anyone really cares which country has the better slalom skiers - Luxembourg or The Netherlands? Sure, last night's ceremonies offered interpretive dance and much ballyhooed flag waving, but they also brought about the dread of realizing that very soon men in tight suits would be competing in the luge. Some media outlets are reporting this morning that over three dozen people worldwide died last night due to complications of impending ambivalence. The situation wasn't all bad though, at one point my curiosity was piqued enough to think about how great it would be to witness the Swedish women's figure skaters combine forces to fight off a yeti armed only with batons. More on this later.

Listen, I may be wrong, but I think there was a time when the Olympics really meant something. Now look, this dog isn't about to get all sentimental on you and tell you about great feats of past Olympians from by-gone eras and how they don't stand up to modern accomplishments. This dog isn't sentimental. What I mean is that the Olympic Games really meant something in Ancient Greece, where they started, before the advent of the NFL, NASCAR and precision bombing raids. But do they carry any worthwhile value in today's high-maintenance, ADD, X-Box 360 society?

The answer is... maybe

With a little help I think the Winter Olympics can once again be soluble. Listed below are the top five new events that need to be made official in order to increase enthusiasm for the games -

5. The aforementioned Women's Yeti Fighting. You think Tonya Harding could beat down the Abominable Snowman with an aluminium stick? Wouldn't you like to know for sure?

4. Arctic Survivor. This one is simple. Pick one citizen at random from every nation in the world. Air drop them all into the most remote Arctic location possible with nothing but the clothes on their backs. The last person alive wins the gold and demostrates once and for all that their nation has the least compromised gene pool.

3. Rocket-propelled bobsledding.

2. Rocket-propelled bobsledding off of really steep cliffs.

And the number one event needed in order to create more enthusiasm for the Winter Olympic Games...

1. Ice Hockey. Yes, I know that this is already an official event, but I don't think that anyone really understands that unless they are coerced into watching something else by their wives or girlfriends, men are only going to watch the Winter Olympics if you are broadcasting ice hockey. No matter what event you are showing on television, there's not much chance that you are going to have more than 51% of the possible viewers tuning in unless that event is ice hockey. There needs to be more ice hockey. And more teams should be allowed to compete, as well. Something evil deep down inside of me has a burning desire to see Team Canada face-off against Team Qatar. And if Qatar doesn't want to field a team, force them into it.

There you go - some handy suggestions. Don't say that this dog never did anything nice for you. Now if you excuse me, I'm going to go try not to pass out from Olympic boredom.